Persistent Rebuilder

In this film, Sabah opens up about her journey of being diagnosed with ADHD much later in life, and what changed after. This film is a reminder that neurodivergence doesn’t always look like what you expect, and that it’s never too late to understand yourself.
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When the, when the diagnosis came, it came at a much later uh much later in life, I was what, 48 years old
and before that I always wondered, you know, like what was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I fitting in? Why didn’t I have friends? Why couldn’t I, like, maintain relationships?
I mean I was good at making friends but you know when it came to umm having these long term relationships going back and forth in friendship that used to be a problem and various issues, I think out of my impulsivity I’ve bought so many things I mean you know like one day I wanted to be a chartered accountant, the other day I wanted to be a special educator, so, it kind of just, going out at night drives, being a little bit of, being a little bit reckless, zoning out when things were not of interest like you know when people talk and they kind of repeat themselves, used to zone out.
Now, when I was diagnosed it kind of gave me this you know it was like enlightenment, ohh you know it’s because of this and now because I knew what it was I mean you know what the reason was, I was able to do I was able to like make a lot of changes rather than being in and out of therapy
I made a point to stick to therapy.
So I think that was my longest period that I was in therapy was like 6 months and it was only because I knew that I would want to leave in like 2, 2 days 3 days 4 days maybe a month but I didn’t because I knew that it was my ADHD telling me to quit, so I didn’t.
I got a diagnosis from a clinical psychologist and then I had to get myself re-diagnosed from another clinical psychologist because I just wanted to be sure, so I got all my family involved in it.
I guess the reason that I wanted to be sure was because you know when you say that okay you might have ADHD people are like ‘oh everybody has ADHD’ and that kind of puts you in the self doubt whether you really have ADHD or it’s just you know just something very regular happening around you.
At around 48 my work profile changed and I was suddenly put I mean I was supposed to mentor this group of people and you know when you are doing that you have to be very particular about meetings and times and you know things like that and I actually struggled with that I struggled with the, with organizing the whole thing.
And I would often miss meetings and I didn’t even remember whether there was a meeting or then, or not, so it got to a point where I was actually struggling at work which had never happened before.
There were emails which were unsent because you know the procrastination bit kind of took over.
So at one point of time I think I had thousands of emails which were like I mean my my inbox was full, I mean I used to prioritize the work emails and but that I was even struggling then.
So that’s where I thought that I think now something is like seriously going wrong and I think I need help so I went to a clinical psychologist for help, who later diagnosed me with ADHD
So the first thing that I think that really worked out for me is that I changed my job.
I’m in a place where inclusion is in the DNA there, right?
So it’s it’s like not just me, we have various people who have hidden and visible disabilities there and that makes it easier, it’s more of a people’s organization where they spend a lot of time talking to people, so a lot of time was spent with me talking to me and you know any kind of changes or accommodations that I needed those were discussed and that really helped
It was also something like from moving from a regular 9 to 5 job to a more flexible routine, so now I’m like working from home, I get to travel and also lot of strategies that I used to use with my kids with ADHD I started using with me such as you know like simple visuals now and then
so I I know like if I can see these two things on my desk which I get which I like need to do I know they’ll get done but if they are not there it’ll be like out of sight out of mind
I started using the emotional wheel that I use with my kids because of all the emotional dysregulation that’s there to you know like really get to the root of the problem and then do something about it
I’ve started putting umm early time uh you know like alarms on my phone so I don’t, you know, lose track of time because of all the time blindness that’s there but the emotional dysregulation is still something that I like kind of struggling with, I’m trying to get there, I started medication, it didn’t help and um so yeah I’m, I’m just trying to what I say, I’m trying to uncover my ADHD flavor, let’s see where it takes me.
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What are some challenges you experience with ADHD?
I have people that I know, but friends very few, those who have just stuck by me, if I think, I can count them on my fingers they’re like 2 of them so, I went through therapy. You know there’s a research that says that children with ADHD listen to 20,000 more negative comments till the age of 10 than their non ADHD peers.
That’s like if it’s like a lifespan till about 10 years that’s like five more negative comments a day and that really puts your self-esteem down, right?
For a child who’s hearing a lot of negative comments, it’s so easy to have the social anxieties and fears and phobias.
So I think therapy is like really important to unravel it
I was in therapy for 6 months
My therapist started me on medication
She later uh faded it out so I I’ve I’ve done that, that that helped me
And the first time that I went on medication it was like oh yeah, this is like really interesting
So the first time I I took that medication I was like this silence in my mind, I mean what is this?
Because at times I felt that I just need to you know like detach my head and keep it somewhere, so that I’m like at peace and I was like I asked my therapist like ‘Do regular people are always like this?’
She was like yeah, your mind isn’t always working
I was like my mind has been working for 48 years, what happened?
I mean so yeah I think with lifestyle changes, therapy, medications, I think they all have their place, you just need to find out what works for you.
Umm I still struggle with a lot of things like if I don’t have an alarm on my phone I know I’ll, I I won’t know how much time has passed
If I don’t have those visuals on my desk I might not get any work done
Um I still struggle with impulsivity but I’m like you know if somebody comes to me and says ‘Can you do this?’ and I’m before I would be like yeah just bring it on!
Now I’m like you know, just give me 5 minutes, but sometimes even that 5 minutes doesn’t work and I take on a lot of work which kind of again is a problem because you can’t complete so much.
So there is impulsivity, there is uhh executive dysfunction especially with you know, controlling your emotions.
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Do you have any advice you’d like to share with others who have ADHD?
It isn’t all bad, because I know ADHD has also given me umm hyperfixation which is like such an important tool to reach professional excellence.
You know like just find your passion, it’s more like a, it’s more interest, it’s more like a interest brain and a disinterested brain, right?
If you find your interest you hyperfixate, you’ll be there but if it’s like something which is not of your interest and you get into that profession, boy you’ve had it, that, you have ruined your life.
So just look for your ikigai, your ADHD will be there helping you out too.
It has it’s good days and bad days, so that’s okay.