Charu Sharan – Parenting Tips & Autism Insights

For Charu, raising her son Sachin – who is on the autism spectrum – has been a path of discovery and unwavering love.
She shares her experience of navigating Sachin’s early years, the steps she took to support his growth, and the lessons she learned along the way.
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I’m Charu Bahadur Sharan and I’m very proud to say that I’m a special mom to Sachin.
He’s a young adult, 28 years old, on the autism spectrum.
I’m also mother to Diya.
She’s a neurotypical kid, not a kid, also a young adult.
She’s 23 years old.
It’s been a long, long journey with Sachin.
He was diagnosed when he was, I think, around three years of age.
He was born absolutely fine in terms of physical appearance and his milestones were pretty much all on time, except he never spoke.
So we were concerned about it.
I was a Montessori trained teacher.
So, you know, I had set up his room in the ideal Montessori manner with all the toys, you know at, all the shelves at his level, where he could reach for the toys, play with things.
But I was really, really surprised because he never touched any toys ever.
He never picked up, you know, up a soft toy to cuddle, like children do, or pulled a cart along or pushed a cart.
He didn’t do any of those things.
The other thing that didn’t happen was there was no eye contact at all.
So sometimes when we would call out to Sachin, he wouldn’t respond.
So my husband would say, maybe he has a hearing problem.
So I’d say, I’d tell him that, no, that’s not so, because if we put on the television in the other room, he comes running, you know, to watch his favorite program.
So definitely it’s not a hearing problem.
But I knew something was amiss because, you know, I had had that training and I had worked with little children, so I knew that something is missing somewhere, but, you know, I couldn’t nail it, and I couldn’t, obviously, I was not a doctor, so I couldn’t diagnose the problem, but the pediatrician said everything is fine.
We were concerned about this lack of speech and the lack of eye contact and the lack of playing with children.
After that, my husband got transferred to Delhi.
At that time, he was almost three.
And when we contacted a pediatrician, they said, not talking, this is not right, there’s something amiss, please go to a developmental pediatrician.
We went to the same, and within 10 minutes, the doctor said, this is a textbook case of Autism Spectrum Disorder, you know, you have wasted so much time, you could have got him into therapy already.
But, you know, we were kind of, because we already knew, so, yes, we did cry a bit.
And, you know, you scream and howl and shout, ‘why me?’ and ‘why did this happen to me?’
The good thing that happened was that we immediately took remedial actions, you know, we were immediately on the task and we got together a speech therapist and the team, occupational therapist, speech therapist.
We, I also went to US and I did the Option program, me and my husband both went.
So in this journey, you know, what has been really interesting is because my husband was in the corporate sector and because it is so expensive to go through all the therapies and, you know, it’s a long journey.
We’ve been like, on a railway track, you have the two parallel lines, we have always moved together, but we have been doing different things.
So I have been taking care of Sachin on a daily basis, his therapies, and my husband was the backbone who supported everything, like I had to ask for something for Sachin and it would be there before I would have to ask a second time.
So in US, we learned a lot.
I learned options.
I learned the play-way method, how to be one with the child, how to get on the floor and interact and basically get the child to come out of themselves.
Because in autism, you’re very much, you know, self, you’re inward looking and you’re not socializing.
So speech and communication are the main problems in autism.
So we learned a lot about how to engage with him.
The other thing was I also went through the ABA program, the Applied Behavior Analysis, that taught me to teach Sachin in-seat behavior, eye contact.
After that, we put Sachin through inclusive schooling.
He was doing okay, but you know, there was always that gap.
And speech came, but with a lot of efforts.
If I say, every single skill had to be taught: you know, picking up a spoon, picking up a pencil, putting on your clothes, tying a button, brushing, toileting.
You know, everything has to be taught to these children.
I was not as such a patient person.
I have changed 360 degrees as a human being today.
But, you know, all that has come.
It’s not been easy.
But I think he’s taught me a lot of those things, and also my daughter.
They’re both, they’ve both been my teachers.
I consider them my gurus more than me teaching them anything.
So inclusive schooling was good in Vasant Valley in Delhi.
After that, when he…we had a very, very turbulent period when he went into his teenage years.
It was like, this was a different child altogether.
You know, with the hormonal changes, he was aggressive.
You know, there was self-injurious behavior.
There was aggression towards others.
At that time, we were just kind of, we had to just take care of ourselves, take care of him, just keep him happy.
But what really helped us at that time was putting him into sports and getting him to, you know, burn out that energy.
Because it’s all that hormones going crazy, you know, they’re doing things, and on top of that, because the kid cannot communicate, that frustration comes in.
So, you know, you’re not able to tell, you’re not able to understand what’s happening in your body, all the bodily changes.
And you’re also not able to ask for help.
So it’s a very, very, very difficult situation.
So till now, it was, for me, it was always about: I’m gonna make it okay, I’m gonna do this with Sachin, I’ll make him fine, I will…
It didnt…I did not accept his diagnosis.
I did not accept it for the longest time.
But it’s the…when he went into the teenage period, then I sort of understood, you know, maybe it had also been a while and I was kind of, you know, tuning into the problem, and then I was better able to sort of accept and let go a little bit.
Because when I was like, kind of, it was like a stranglehold on the child.
He was also revolting, you know, he was not liking it.
And I feel these children are very sensitive.
They, they, get the cue from our eyes, just looking at our eyes.
Are we anxious?
Are we stressed out?
So, I think, inadvertently, I was push…you know, translating my anxiety to him.
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Which solutions or approaches have been most effective for Sachin?
So, when I started letting go a little, I also started seeing him calming down.
But we did have to take help of medication at that time as well, because, you know, otherwise, it was a, it was kind of a difficult situation because he was himself not happy or calm.
It was not about making things easy for ourselves, but about helping him, you know, to get a handle on whatever was going on.
So after that, in the senior school, he told me “no go school”, whatever language he is…he had, he said he doesn’t want to go.
I think the gap was too much and it was stressing him out.
So I…we transferred him to a special needs kind of setup.
After that he was in special needs schools or he was homeschooled.
When he turned 18, after he was 18, we saw a lot of changes in him.
He started going for sports camps.
He started going for adventure camps.
He was away from the home for three, four days at a time.
That’s when all the ADLs and the life skills that we had taught him started helping us.
He joined an institute called Pallavanjali Institute in Gurgaon.
Since then, touch-wood, fingers-crossed, he has been in a, in a very calm and good place.
Because he’s happy there.
He has his own group of friends there.
They go on trips, like I said.
They learn life skills.
And this is when I decided that I have to start a vocation for him, because, you know, he needs to get that, not for myself or anything else, I wanted him to have that sense of self-esteem, that “I can do something”, “I can achieve something.”
So what, what could we do?
He’s good in sports, so he was already, you know, doing, participating in the Special Olympics.
He’s got, he’s reached Haryana State Level and got Gold medals in cycling, and…
So, this is the same kid who we were told had zero motor planning.
He never rode a tricycle and, because, you know, “he he he doesn’t have that kind of balance.”
“What are you even thinking? Don’t even try the cycling!”
That same kid is now, you know, he is, he is a runner, he is a racer, he is also a cyclist.
So, cycling and all that was going on, apart from that he’s very fond of music, so, he learns like, even, you know, old songs, Kishore Kumar songs, and you just say any word, and he’s going to give you the whole song.
He’s a huge huge foodie, like food is his best friend and he eats everything.
He loves everything.
He enjoys his food.
So I said, okay, this has to be something to do with food.
So, around that time, I came across a video on YouTube about chocolate making.
So as I looked at it, and I said, “okay, this doesn’t look that difficult and maybe if I break this into steps, Sachin would be able to master this skill.”
So we started the process.
And I think there’s something about, you know, the sensory needs of the child also, the smell, the touch, the texture, all that is fulfilled in food-related items.
So, something he was liking, I think he was liking the, the melting of the chocolate and the way it fell on to the mold, something was really working with him.
So we started making chocolates and we started gifting them to friends.
Very soon, we were getting orders.
And, now we have, you know, we get corporate orders at Diwali time, at Christmas time, and we are delivering chocolates all over India.
We have another team of three young adults who’ve joined us as interns, special-needs persons – a young man with Down syndrome, another with, on the autism spectrum, and another young man with ADHD.
So, we’re all working together at ‘Sach Di’lights’, is the name of the business, by the way, which is Sachin’s business, therefore it’s called ‘Sach Di’lights’.
Now he goes for exhibitions, he goes to corporate offices and represents his company.
The change that I’ve seen in him is he’s super happy whenever you say that something is happening because he likes to go and be there with people.
And the feedback that he gets for the chocolates, you know, I see that little, kind of, look on his face, that okay, it’s something that I have been able to do.
So, that’s how it is.
As of now, that’s where we are.
What do I see in the future?
I just see him growing and just being happier.
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What guidance would you offer to young parents raising children with autism?
What I would say for the young parents is that, you know, it is, it isn’t easy, it is…and anyone who says that is just, you know, trying to comfort you or ease the pain or whatever.
It isn’t easy, it’s a rollercoaster ride.
It’s hard on both the parents, both the father and the mother.
My husband has been amazing with, with the ADLs, with the daily living skills.
So, he would be going like, to, to office every day, but he would tell me, “I will give one hour in the morning, you just tell me what I need to do with him.”
So, over, like, a period of almost 10 to 15 years, daily, daily, in the morning, whether he was gonna go out of town, or whatever, he would help teach him brush his teeth, dressing, you know, all those kinds of skills, which obviously I couldn’t because, you know, I give him that space as well, that he’s a young man, so he doesn’t have to do things and, you know, change his clothes in front of me and all that, that’s the dad’s department.
So now if he’s independent with all this, that’s thanks to all the efforts that have gone into it.
And, you know, if you see him eating – the kid who would spill everything – he takes a spoon, you know, the backside of a spoon, and he gathers his food, and he eats with the other, and there, not a single grain of rice is spilled anywhere.
So, you know, so for us, you know, we’ve always celebrated these little achievements.
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How do family and community contribute to making a positive impact on the life of a child with autism?
I just want to say that the community is very, very important.
So, we’ve always had a lot of support because we have shared Sachin with everyone.
If you’re gonna lock up your child and nobody gets to see him, you can’t bring about that change in society or that awareness, right?
So, we’ve always included him in everything.
So we’ve had a lot of support from wherever we have stayed, our neighbors, society, community.
I’m also a part of the Saath Parents Support Group. 14.41
I’m one of the Founder members, and it has grown into a very strong community now.
And, you know, it’s so interesting because, in WhatsApp, you might get a little…a parent just crying out for help.
Like a mom saying, “I’m so depressed, I don’t know what to do with my child. He has not slept for three, four nights and neither have I. And I’m like, on the edge, please help”, you know, immediately, within a few minutes, you’ll get like 10 – 15 messages, you know, coming forth: “Do this, do this or just join us for coffee, hey, come, you know?” and that is so important for us.
What I want to say to the young parents is, please, please take out time for yourselves.
You know, like, on an airplane they say, “put on the oxygen mask yourself first, and then put it on your child.”
That is really important because I’ve learned it myself as well.
When I was too much into it, you know, when I had invested everything – emotions, my physical health, my mental health, everything, I went through an autoimmune problem.
And when I read about it and researched it, they said that, you know, stress is one of the main main reasons for autoimmune conditions.
So, especially for mothers, because every day, day in and day out, they’re handling the kid – physically, emotionally, mentally, just go out, take your break.
Have that group of friends.
Go to the beauty parlor.
Go, go, join a book club.
You know, go shopping.
Do those things for yourself, because only if we are happy, can we transfer that happiness to our children as well.
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How would you compare the experience of raising Dia and Sachin, and how would you describe their relationship with one another?
I guess no talk would be complete without mentioning my daughter, Dia, who’s five years younger to Sachin.
Dia has brought that balance not only in our lives but also in Sachin’s life.
See, we were always all about special needs, and, but when we had to go for a neurotypical’s parent-teacher meeting, it would bring that, you know, that change in our lives, a normalcy in our lives that I think we needed.
And she was just so amazing.
But I think the reason that she was so accepting and loving towards Sachin was because we never ever kept on repeating the dialogue – “You have to take care of him”, “When we’re not there, you will have to support him”, “Did you look after Sachin?”, “Give him food first”, it has never been like that.
You know, it’s always like, “Okay, mom and dad are there, and we’re just friends, and he’s my brother, and we’re there to hang out and chill and have fun.”
And he, he’s so fond of her, that, you know, if she’s not there at home, he goes and sits in her room, when she’s not there.
She has become a psychologist, and that has been due to her own volition, it’s nothing that I have pushed her into.
It was always, like from grade 8 or 9, she told me, “Mom, I’m going to go into psychology”.
The more we make it artificial for the child, the more they’re going to get repulsed and you know they’re gonna look at it as a burden.
So, we have these exhibitions, and she tells me that, “I’m gonna manage the ‘Sach Di’light’ stall along with Sachin, I want to be a part of this!” and, so, it’s, it’s a very very beautiful relationship that they both have and I hope that it continues like that, because, you know, she brings that, also normalcy, because if Sachin does something, she’ll be like, “What are you doing? Put your feet down!”
She is like, treats him like any other sibling would.
And that’s what a sibling needs, right?
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We hope this film offers guidance to young parents, showing them that while the journey may not always be easy, it is one that can be filled with hope and possibility.